What is it about being at Mom’s? I didn’t grow up out here, mom bought this house at the same time I was getting married…but still when we come here, we are home. The food taste so much better, the sleep is deeper, the chores are easier, home…

My brother and his family came for dinner tonight. I do so enjoy being with them. Especially my niece and nephew. Baby Matthew just turned 2, it took him a little while to warm up to me but when he did we had so much fun. He loves to read books and he is so smart. He uses sign language-he can only speak a few words due to Downs Syndrome. He is such a happy and fun little boy. Alexandria has grown up so much, she is 10 now and joins in on our conversations. I love to be here and spend time with them, but it does make me sad that I do not get to see them very often. I realize when I am here just how much I miss throughout the year. It makes me treasure each moment that I have with them.

Coming home is bitter sweet. I can’t wait to get here and yet I dread coming here. This is (was) Matthew’s home. This is the home he lived in. His bedroom is still full of his things. The bed is still unmade. Coming here I am confronted with the very harsh reality that he is no longer with us. That he will not come through the door and smile his sly smile and say “Hey Sister, I’ve missed you”. When I am here I miss him so much…I still expect to see him. When I am here the details of loosing him are so very fresh in my mind. The smell of my mom’s room evoke memories of great despair. My mind battles with itself…the comfort of mom’s versus the pain of our loss. Matthew had a personality that literally filled the room he was in…so every room of my mom’s house holds very vivid memories of Matthew and being here with these memories punctuates what we lost. On our drive here, as Anthony kept us laughing and amazed me with his wit, humor and his conversations, I was struck with a sadness to realize just how much Matthew would have loved spending time with Anthony. They always had a very special bond, and now I can only imagine what their relationship would have been like now. I imagine they would have really liked each other…not just as family likes each other…but as two amazing young men, with an incredible zest for life, big dreams, wonderful wit, a desire for laughter and the ability to literally light up a room…yes, they would’ve been quite the pair.

I take comfort in knowing one day we will be reunited, that he is looking out for us from his perfect heavenly home, and when I arrive there, he will smile his sly smile and say, “Hey Sister, I’ve missed you, welcome home”.

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