This is a beautiful day and I amazed at how incredibly blessed we are to have this home, with it’s quiet and peaceful surroundings.  I am on the front porch watching the wildlife go about doing things they do, gather their food, sing their songs, run about, watching the sun cast it’s reflection on the pond.  The lilacs have bloomed and are sending their most beautiful scent into the breeze that the butterflies seem to be floating on.  Such life, beauty, peace, and joy all around.  What an incredible contrast to how I am feeling today.  My heart is sad, my spirit is heavy and my mind is filled with painful memories.

Four years ago,after we had turned off the machines that were keeping my brother with us, and after we had witnessed his last breath, and after we heard those horrible words, “Time of death” we left the room, my brothers and I, we left our Mom to spend a few last minutes with her baby.  We were in the hallway outside his room in ICU, the will and energy to stand had left us, we all silently sunk to the floor.  Reeling from the reality of what had happened. Our baby brother, our joy, so healthy and strong, our brother who lived life to the fullest, who we had all spent 24 years loving, taking care of,  had died.  Our world was falling apart, we were dazed, confused, devastated, still not wanting to believe that this was actually happening.

As I sat there trying to…I am not sure what I was trying to do…maybe just remember to breath.  I looked up and at the end of the nurse’s station there was a nurse dressed in bright pink scrubs.  I was instantly annoyed with her.  What was she thinking?  How dare she wear such a bright and cheerful color on the day that my family’s lives were being turned upside down.  And then she started laughing, a deep and hearty laugh.  My mind almost couldn’t handle the contradiction.  Here was this person dressed in pink and laughing when I felt as though the world should stop.  I found myself sitting there getting incredibly angry with this person I had never met, very angry.  How could I be experiencing this great pain and loss and yet there she was as if nothing had happened.  Matthew was no longer a part of this world…how can life ever be normal for anyone?  How can she seem to find such joy when we are in this deep, black, despair.  Such a contradiction, the world around me and the heart inside me….

Today I am sad and am grieving my loss.  I think of Matthew daily.  He was a very special person and we had a very unique bond.  But today, unlike 4 years ago, I am able to find comfort in the world around me.  As I look out at the beauty and life around me I am reminded of our Creator.  As the butterflies flutter by I am reminded of a Savior who died so that we can have new life…though I am grieving the loss of my brother and saddened by the pain my family has and is experiencing, I am able to be thankful that my brother is in a place so glorious it makes my view look pitiful, that he is experiencing new life, surrounded by beauty, peace and joy so great that my mind could never even imagine it.  Such a contradiction…. this world and life eternal…

One thought on “Contradictions

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  1. Rebecca – so glad you're blogging! Especially since in a few days I'll be faced with the 4th year after my mother's death. Yes – so many contradictions… and, I suppose that we've all lived on both sides of that contradiction. I've spend days, weeks and months on the solid happy side and at least half (or more) on the other side – the only thing that's sustained me was God – whether or not I was angry at God, worshipping or even complacent about God's very existence – God sustains. I pray that your can feel the God of sustenance with you today and everyday hence.

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