Today I did Bible Study, today I talked with someone who’s brother is choosing to go astray, today I told them there is hope in Jesus, today I prayed, today I planned, today I showered, today I took my boy, all 17 years of him, to rent a tux for prom, today I had lunch with my boy, today I bought a mocha, today I congratulated a girl for being the best in hurdles in the state, today I was frustrated with loved ones who didn’t know what today is. Today I cried, today my heart hurt, my soul ached, my mind remembered, today I cried.
Six years ago, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I prayed, I cried, I hurt more than I knew I could. Six years ago I had hope, prayed and journal-ed hope, spoke of hope and hoped against hope. Six years ago I wept, a gut and soul wrenching weep, as I watched hope leave with the breath that left my brother. Without hope, the heart wants to choose not to go on. Without hope all the world seems dark, or is it just my heart coloring my eyesight? Either way blackness is there and it seems right. It seems good and safe and I think I will embrace it. With the breath that left, so did I. As pieces of my heart broke and shattered so did my trust and faith in a Loving Father.
This dark black hopelessness seemed more real, more sure, than a Loving Father who was no where to be found, not in my desperate cries, in my desperate prayers, the Father who left me as tears streamed down my face, as my soul hurt so bad I had to double over, the Father who allowed the words, “Time of Death” to be forever be burned into my heart, my mind, my memories. “I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME” my soul rages. my heart cries. my mind screams. I sit quietly on the floor outside the room that holds my brother’s lifeless body, my mother curled up next too him, unable to leave, to say goodbye. I weep. I sob. Tears flow. I think they will never stop. Inside I scream, I rage, “YOU ARE NOT A GOOD GOD” and I choose. I choose, to not love a God who leaves, a God who is not loving, I choose to go astray.
Six years ago, today was Good Friday. I called my friend, my mentor, my prayer warrior. She knew, from the timing of my call, the sound of my voice. Miles apart and worlds apart. Mine crumbling, her’s worshiping. But she knew and her heart hurt for mine. She prays, she worships. My boy on stage, moving hands in motion, lifting his life, arms and heart to a Savior who freely gave what we can freely choose. My brother died, I wept, my heart broke, my soul chose darkness. Six years ago.
Today I choose to trust, to hope, to believe that though I hurt, though I cry, though I miss, though I know that to choose to live, to love, is to choose to know loss and pain, today I choose to know that there is hope in Jesus. Today I laughed, I smiled, I cried, today I Skyped with a mother who has known great loss and suffering, who knows great love, today I enjoyed every minute with my son, today my heart is full, today I love the sound of screams and laughter of teenagers, today I was blessed beyond words by calls from friends, dinner? ice cream? company? coffee? Today I enjoyed the comfort of my Georgie who sticks by my side, today I remember the darkness, today I feel tempted to slip into the comfort of it, today I decide to write. Today I miss my baby brother, today I remember the ICU, today I hear the machines, today I remember cold skin and blue lips. Today I know the love of a Father that does not leave, does not forsake, even when I do, Today I trust, today I choose to trust, today I choose to love, to hope, to believe, today I remember that on the third day HE rose, so, today I know that my brother has life, today he is soaring.