The Lord woke me up this morning. Early. Not going to lie my first thought was “It’s 5 am on a Saturday“. My mind wandered back to the previous day and a very emotional reaction I had to a situation. Even in the moment I recognized that the emotion I had to the situation was very disproportional. So I can began to ask the Lord why? Why did I, why do I, respond in that way to those types of situations? That’s not my “normal”. As I laid there asking Him why, I felt Him ask me why. Again, not going to lie, I responded with “Lord, you woke me up early, You just need to tell me so we can move on”. Looking back on this morning I totally recognize my Jacob moment. (Genesis 32:24-32)
Why do you react that way? I don’t know Lord, why do I? How does it make you feel? Not happy. How does it really make you feel? Hurts. Why does it hurt? Because “they” didn’t treat me right. We are talking about you. Why do you really feel that way? Ugh, because it strikes at my insecurities. Ah, now we are getting somewhere.
At this point I realize God knows exactly why I react the way I do. How I really feel in the situation. He just needs me to know, for me to be the one to confess it. ~Just as He did with Jacob…(Barry preached on this last Sunday, click here if want to listen to it, and trust me, you do)
I get up to write in my journal, this is how I really truly connect with the Lord. As I am writing this new revelation He has given me, as I am writing what I feel He is saying/revealing to me, I am hit. I just wrote something I have never thought of before but instantly recognize the overwhelming truth of it. My heart hurts. I began to weep for the brokenness of it. This is the truth of me. The me I could not and would not give to the Lord. There He was revealing it, bringing it to light so I could give it to Him. I cried out for Him to take it. He would not. I had to give it. “I don’t think I can give it. It’s been mine for so long. I have carried it for so many years. It dwells deep inside my soul. Just take it Lord. I cannot. You must give it. I will freely receive it, but you must give it.” Then He begins to whisper to my soul, You can trust me. Do you trust Me more than you trust yourself? Ah, there is the real heart of the issue. Do I trust Him more than I trust myself? He has promised to never leave me, never forsake me, to be my shield, my protector, my defender and my redeemer. Yes, I will trust You, more than I trust myself. I will give it to you Lord. I will leave it with you and I will walk away. I will not return to take it back. ~At this point I realize this Jacob moment is different, I am not leaving with a limp, I had one the whole time, He has removed it from me. And I am reminded of the name He has given me. I have wrestled with the Lord and He has blessed me.
I am struck by how painful it is to really go deep into ourselves, find the brokenness and offer it to God. But how amazingly beautiful it is on the other side of that process. The freedom. The joy. The peace. We have to be willing to go into the pain for awhile. How many times we refuse because all we can see is the hurt, the pain, the sorrow and the brokenness. Our eyes can’t see what waits for us on the other side. Even if we catch a glimpse of the other side, the pain and brokenness is too real, too close, and too much for us to choose to go into it. Oh, that we would truly believe, The Lord is my Shepherd, and goodness and mercy, all the days of my life, are the reward for the valley of darkness. (Psalm 23)
If you find yourself on the edge of that pain, unwilling to move in and go deep to find the deep brokenness, can I encourage to do it. Go in, follow your Shepherd. The other side is a beautiful place to be. He has promised YOU that He will never leave you or forsake you, He will redeem any and every situation and every single brokenness. He will lead you through the valley of darkness, it may be dark and scary and painful, but you will go through. And surely goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life.
As I moved from my spot and began to move around the house, basking in the Lord’s mercy and goodness, I found myself singing. Which is not unusual , but I found myself singing a song I have not listened to recently. “Whatever You’re Doing” by Sanctus Real “Whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos somehow there is peace…It feels like chaos but now I can see this is something bigger than me, larger then life, something heavenly…time to breathe in and let let everything out.”
Our God, My Father, He really is amazing and good and merciful, and loving and full of peace and freedom…