Broken and Beautiful

I decided to do a little work outside Saturday. My RA was telling me to stay in bed and rest but the warm weather and sunshine told me to go for it!

As I walked around I was saddened to see how far gone my beautiful place is. Last year was a really hard year for me. Really. Hard. It was just too much to do the work required to keep it the beautiful sanctuary it has been for me in the past. Too much physically and too much emotionally. And now, it feels like it is just too far gone, too much repair needed, too much clean up, just, too much. So I end up feeling overwhelmed and stressed and sad.

I can’t fix this. Just like so many other things in my life. I can’t fix this. I have always been an overly hope {full} person. I just need one teeny tiny little glimmer and I will do whatever I can to hang on and fix things. 2016 was a year of learning to let go. A year of learning with every fiber of my being that sometimes the only thing you can do, is let go. I’m still learning. I am still figuring out how to be ok with not fixing things. I think in the course of learning to let go, I let go of too many things. I felt like I just lost too much. Because I lost so many things through the course of these last several years, in 2016 I also let go of the things that brought me peace and happiness, solace and beauty. I think somewhere in the depths of my mind and heart it would be better to just let go, rather than having it taken away.

So there I was looking at all the work, work that I am still struggling with emotionally and work, that sadly, I can’t physically accomplish, feeling stressed, sad, overwhelmed and thinking this is all really just gone. All that this was, it isn’t, anymore. Everywhere I looked all I could see was the work, the overgrowth, the things that needed to be replaced, repaired, all the beautiful things that had died. And then… I saw this tiny little iris bloomed all by itself. I almost missed seeing it. I almost missed the beauty because of all the broken chaos.  I love and am so grateful for the “And thens” in my life. Yes, it is this brokenness, and then, it is beauty as well.

Yesterday was Palm Sunday. That’s the day the people were caught up in the beauty and excitement of a messiah. This they could see and trust and find joy in, a messiah coming to town to rule and reign and to set them free. This is the day they think everything is good and everything will continue to be good. And then it’s not. It doesn’t look anything like they thought it was going to look like. It all literally falls apart right in front of them. In the grief and sadness they had to learn to let go of what they had envisioned and planned and hoped for. I so get the disciples hiding out in the house together. It’s all I want to do most days, let me just stay in here, it’s safe and I don’t have to actually see all that is lost when I’m in here. In their grief and sadness and being fully overwhelmed with the brokenness, they could have missed seeing the beauty of a messiah who has indeed come to rule and reign in the hearts of His people. The King of Kings who has come to set us free through the conquering of death. A Risen Savior who’s beauty can only be seen and truly known through the brokenness of the Cross, the darkness of the tomb.

There is loss and brokenness and grief and truly ugly things. Sometimes that’s all we can see. Sometimes it looks like there isn’t anything else. But, almost always, there is a tiny, beautiful, strong and powerful, new life, new growth, new hope that perhaps look all the more beautiful because it blooms in the middle of broken chaos.



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