I haven’t felt well. I have this auto immune disorder and sometimes it likes to create total disorder in my life. This past couple of weeks have been particularly challenging. Several days I have felt like there is no way possible for me to even get out of bed much less work all day in the shop. After I have felt well for a period of time these times of flare ups are especially hard on my emotions. Hard for me to see anything other than, this is a chronic, no cure available, frequently debilitating disorder. I have to struggle hard to keep the fear from consuming me. And that’s just me dealing with myself….start adding in work stress, life stress and it feels as though there is no way forward, no way out. Fear chokes back the Truth, His Word and His promises. I begin to try to figure out how I am going to do this on my own. What happens if this isn’t just a flare up, maybe I am always going to feel this way, there isn’t any getting better, what happens if it becomes more aggressive and physically debilitating? How will I work? How will I function? How will I pay my bills? Fear partners with despair which grabs hold of the “this isn’t fair”. As I struggle to physically make it through the day, struggle to clear my mind through the fog that accompanies this disorder, I struggle with my thoughts, feelings and emotions and I find myself completely drained.
I know this is not what the Lord has planned for me. I KNOW this truth. Some days I just can’t lean on this truth. Some days I speak this truth out loud over and over and over again but the struggle is just too much.
One evening last week, after a particularly rough day. I decided to journal some of the day, thought maybe if I could put my thoughts and feelings and fears and worries and stress and sadness safely between the pages of my journal I could leave them there, not pick them back up again. I know the Lord can heal me but it may not be healing I experience on this earth, so for now, this disorder is mine and it makes me sad. There are some things that no matter how much I pray, will not change, things I desperately want to be different, will not be. As I wrote I had a deeper sadness settle over me…this. is. my. life.
I had to stop writing for a minute, take a deep breath. I looked out the window in front of me and found my breath taken away…the moon. And all at once I felt that peace that surpasses all understanding wash over me. Love and strength and peace flooded my weary soul. My God, Lord of Lords, the Alpha and Omega who placed the moon in just the right spot, with a whisper of His voice, sees me. Nothing about my circumstances changed but suddenly everything had changed for me. I wasn’t able to lean on His truth and His promise and His word, so He made a way. I am always wanting, looking and praying for a miracle, a miracle of physical healing, a miracle for emotional healing, a miracle of time being turned back to before, a miracle that ushers in restoration of all that the enemy has stolen. All the while He is offering me the miracle of who He is. The miracle of His peace, strength, hope and joy in the very midst of all those things. The miracle of being seen by the God who created all things.
I took a picture of the moon that night and as I looked for a particular scripture to go with my picture, I came across Isaiah 40:26-29. As I read it, I wept. That kind of weeping that washes away everything but His love.
Lift up your eyes and look up into the heavens.
Who created all the stars?
He brings them out like an army, one after another,
calling each by its name.
Because of his great power and incomparable strength,
not a single one is missing.
27 O Jacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?
O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights?
28 Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
29 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless
This is the miracle I need…to hear and see and know and understand….The Lord is everlasting, He gives me strength and power and the peace of knowing I do not have to worry about the future…He holds it in His hand. There is no safer place to be.