I’m pretty sure it started with being in physical pain. My right arm/wrist was hurting, really hurting. I couldn’t pick up Mabel on Saturday and then Fitzgerald and Hank walked up on either side and it hurt to pet Fitzgerald with my right arm. Its May. The accident was in Feb and I’m really tired of having “extra” pain. We had a wedding Saturday and I was just angry. I hurt and I was tired and oh yeah…I hurt. I was tired of hurting, tired of dealing with stupid medical bills and insurance and just angry that I had to deal with any of this anyway. I felt really bad Sunday, missed church and my Sunday School group and I hate to do that, I hate not being able to do what I said I would do and I love… love being with my kiddos. And then…I had to mow… all 4 acres… Rolled right into an absurdly hectic Monday. And I was in a really bad place. I was angry. Ugly angry.
I don’t deal with anger very well, it’s not emotion I experience too frequently. I’m typically able to process through and move on. I just couldn’t this time. I’m sure it was a cumulative effect…physical pain plus anything makes for some difficult processing, add in feelings of being wronged and like some people do whatever they want and leave the rest of us to pay the costs.
I didn’t even like myself. Angry Rebecca is just not a very nice or fun person.
This morning I stayed home for a little while. Needed to spend some time with the Lord. And oh my goodness did He show up. Without fail…regardless of my failures, He shows up. Exactly as I need Him, every time I need Him and when I get over myself, He really shows out…Today was one thing after another after another of Him showing me that He is control. My trust, hope and faith is in Him. What others do, is not. My future is not in their hands. He has plans for me and for my future and they are not dependent upon someone doing the “right” thing.
Somedays I let the enemy strike fear into my heart…I hear things like…the shop is too much, you can’t keep up with the work, I’m a hindrance, burden to Nicole, she shouldn’t have to deal with all my health issues or that I can’t lift something or fold lunch boxes…And then my El Shaddai gives me days like today and I remember that He has created this friendship and Stirred, He has ordained this place and this time and it is exactly where I need to be and where I am supposed to be.
I took this pic after getting to sit and enjoy a quick lunch with three of the most amazing women I have ever been blessed to know. Remembering that the Lord created our friendship and that He has prepared ministry for us to do together. We each bring our own story, our own weaknesses and our own strengths. And I am so excited for this next chapter.
It’s a beautiful thing when you find a place (Stirred) and people who like you, love and accept you, even when you can’t seem to find the grace to love or like yourself. Especially then. They help the Lord remind you that life is way too fabulous to be angry Rebecca for too long.😊