I’m writing this post in the very midst of my emotions. Which I typically avoid. At least I write those knowing no one will ever read them. This one feels like it needs to be written and shared. And I’m sure I’m using this as a coping/processing tool…so thanks for helping me heal 🙂
My life group got together this evening. I’ve been a part of this group for probably 6 or so years now. I love and trust these people deeply. But it is incredibly hard. I always want to be with them but it’s one of the times I miss David the most. We started this group together. These are the people who we lived our lives with. He cared for them and they care for him. It makes me sad what we don’t have together anymore. Sad for me, sad for him, sad for all of us. But I went and I’m so glad I did. I love them. And they love me right where I am. The Mabel toting, doting and fixated me.
I got home, checked on ducklings, Clyde and Harriet. And remembered that Logan needed to borrow my zero turn, which had been acting up when I used it last weekend. I decide to see how it was doing. I figured out what was wrong (this is one of those times I’d like to give my self a big pat on the back for fixing it…but it really just needed the grass cleaned off the deck 🤨 I’m still learning)
I decide to test drive it. I have four acres of land roughly 3 of it I can drive the mower on…last time I mowed I had seen a random piece of barb wire…made a mental note to go back and get it. Which is laughable…I have almost no working short term memory. So guess where I decide I need to engage the blades to make sure everything is working, correctly. In the one tiny spot on 3 acres that there is a random piece of barb wire.
I hear a terrible noise and see smoke. I want to throw up my hands in despair and frustration. I fight the “why me, why does everything go wrong, why can’t anything go right, I’m so tired of all this, if only” thoughts from taking over. I decide to laugh a little, shake my head at myself and briefly, like a full two minutes, entertained the idea of being able to get the wire out of the blades myself. Which after I realized the complete absurdity I laughed even more.
As I’m walking back toward the house I see Mabel and Hank waiting for me. She was a little scared so she is sitting between Hanks two front legs and he is sitting up behind her being protective. I wished I had my phone to take a their picture. I told Hank he does a good job taking care of her. I loved the image of him standing guard in such a loving and familiar way. I felt the Holy Spirit tell me this is the way the Lord watches over me. I made a mental note to write a post about that. 🙄😒
I walked to the back door to get some water for Mabel and I before we finished taking care of the ducklings. I had locked the door. Irritated I walked around to the carport and decide to go ahead and take care of the ducklings. Part way through I noticed Fitzgerald and Ellie run off toward the pond. A few moments later I turned around to get Mabel to go inside. She wasn’t there. I call her. Nothing. Hank is there but no Mabel. I see Fitzgerald and Ellie at the pond as I’m fast walking and calling for Mabel I see a glimpse of white, a splash and some bubbles in the middle of the pond. My stomach flipped and I took off running, in my house shoes. Logically my brain is telling me there is no way that’s her. She wouldn’t be in the middle of the pond. That’s what it looks like when the catfish are getting the mealworms. But I can’t find Mabel anywhere.
Any time she gets scared or hot or tired she always goes back in the house. But I knew she wasn’t in the house because the back door was locked. I ran all over the property looking and calling for her. Begging God to let me find her. I told Him that I could probably handle a lot but I did think I would be able to handle not finding her. As I ran to the back of house I see the goldfish pond and I feel so sick that I didn’t look there quicker. My big dogs like to lean in and get a drink and Mabel has been watching but every time she gets on the rocks I move her back. I think that she probably tried to get a drink and if I was watching her better she wouldn’t have been back here by herself. Or if I would have come here quicker. My mind is racing ….go inside, check for her there, she can’t be in there, that was her in the pond swim out and get her, she might be in the bottom of this pond, maybe a snake bit her, check inside, and over and over and around and around it went. I finally run inside, thinking at least I can grab my phone and call my neighbors to help me. I’m still yelling her name and she comes out of her hidey hole behind the sofa. Yawning. I collapsed in a mess of tears and sobs and prayers.
Even as I’ve tried to calm down and collect my thoughts, I’m still baffled at how she is inside. I’ve been re-reading This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti, it’s by far the best book for describing spiritual warfare I have ever read. So I’m sure its coloring my thoughts, but I cannot help but think this is one of those times the Heavenly Beings intervened on my behalf. I literally cannot think or figure out what happened. She was with Hank and then she wasn’t and somehow she got inside the house.
I can’t explain it and I don’t need to. I’m just thanking the Lord that this evening I didn’t have to suffer losing Mabel.