Anthony called me Friday. He told me he had just received a call from a doctor he had gone to see. Anthony has had a few episodes of passing out. Some of you might remember this past fall when he passed out in his bathroom and busted his head open and nearly sent his mama over the edge with worry. He has passed out a couple more times since then. Fortunately he knew what was happening and laid down so he didn’t injure himself.
During his visit the doctor had pretty much determined what was causing Anthony’s problem but did some additional blood work, just to be safe. One of those test came back positive. He tested positive for ana, antinuclear antibodies. It’s a test doctors use as a first line check for autoimmune disorders.
I know there are test results that parents receive that are worse. But I’m also a firm believer that it’s not a competition. We are allowed, given permission to feel all the things, even if someone else is worse. As I listened to him talk sadness overwhelmed me. The thought of my son dealing with some of the same health issues I have, breaks my heart. The thought of him being diagnosed at 23 with a chronic, debilitating disorder is overwhelming.
I basically shut down this weekend. Holed up, watched movies, played those stupid match 3 games, ate everything, snuggled with my pack and pretended the world didn’t exist for a while.
It didn’t make me feel better. I knew it wouldn’t. But just for a little while I didn’t want to deal with this information. I didn’t want to have to think about the things that might be before my son. I didn’t want to deal with it in anyway and I particularly didn’t want to deal with without my husband. Such a weird, feels like being in another dimension, thing to be facing, the possibility of a diagnosis, of something I have, now my son might have and oh, by the way, the one person who knows and loves my son the way I do, isn’t my husband anymore.
Somedays the Rabbit Hole seems way too long and way too dark and way too scary. And I just really want to wake up.
But my God, my El Shaddai, Jehovah Jireh, El Rapha… He showed up today. He showed up and reminded me that it doesn’t matter what news the phone call brings, what words the doctor speaks, how dark, long or scary the rabbit hole is… He alone is God and He sees all things. He is not caught off guard or surprised. He reminded me of our track record together… Exactly 100% of the times I felt lost, scared, confused, overwhelmed, and/or defeated, He showed me the way, He made a way, He comforted, gave me peace, shielded, protected and guarded me, He sent fierce people to battle with and for me, and He reminded me that my strength is in Him. He hasn’t failed me yet.
My hope, joy, peace, security, faith and trust are not in phone calls, test results, diagnosis, or even a marriage. They are in Him, through Him and from Him,regardless of what those things bring. He is already with me. Always.
He reminded me today. He used a beautiful soul to paint me a picture of my precious Hank keeping guard of my precious Mabel and my sweet, sassy Clyde. She painted it a while back. Before Clyde died and before Hank disappeared. It’s even sweeter to me now. A beautiful tribute to how my God shows up, in sending me a fierce protector in Hank and days of laughter through Clyde. He is the One who provides. Even when I can’t see clearly because my heart is too broken. He shows up and leads me forward.
I’ve learned that my heart has the capacity to break in ways I would have never dreamed possible. More importantly I’ve learned that My God, My Abba Father, has ways of showering love and joy and laughter over all my broken pieces in ways I would have never dreamed possible. I’ve learned that it is okay to let my heart break. He is always watching and always ready to catch all the pieces. And He is always patiently showing me a new and better way to put my heart back together.
In this painting, in this gift, are all the things the the Alpha and Omega, El Shaddai needed me to see and to know and to remember. And because my friend shared, I know that the Lord spoke powerfully to her through this painting. Her art, a gift of healing and hope and love for us both, from our Abba Father.
Would you join me in praying for Anthony. I am asking and believing for this test to be a false positive. For complete physical healing for Anthony. And for peace and no stress as he is getting ready to begin his second year of teaching 7th grade!
And would you pray for this mama’s heart. We have been through a lot as a family and I’m weary, thankful, grateful and blessed, but weary nonetheless.