One year ago today I wrote this in my online journal…
Years ago, at a very large ministry conference, in a stadium packed with a few thousand people, I had one of the most intense, powerful, intimate encounters with the Lord I had ever experienced. We were singing a new song, You’re Beautiful . The person who wrote it was our worship leader for the conference. The whole worship leading up to this song was powerful, my heart was was soft and ready to receive from the Lord. As the words, “we will enter in as the wedding bells ring” were sung…I had the most beautiful image, but it was more than an image, it was a vision that I actually “felt.”I was suddenly and very powerfully aware of what state I was in as I entered into the prescence of the Lord…covered in all the dirty things. Mud and muck and slime and funk from this world. Some had been thrown on me intentionally, some had been thrown on me completely by accident, but on me none the less. Most of it was from myself, from all the times I had run away and thrown myself into the ditches of this life. There I stood, at the entrance to my eternity, the gorgeous church laid out around me. The pristine carpet ready to lead me to Jesus. And all at once, I knew, that I was made beautiful for my King. All of the dirty things had been all over me, ruining my bridal gown, but now, now it was made new, stunning, breathtaking, whole, beautiful….I saw the way Jesus looked at me, the way a bridegroom looks at his wife as she walks down the aisle to meet him…beaming, pride, love overflowing, joy…Jesus didn’t see all the dirty things, He saw me, as only He could make me. A bride fit for a Savior.
Today as I am battling all the things I battle on the daily, I felt myself loosing ground. I am tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically… exhausted. All the medical unknowns, what ifs, vaguely abnormal test, bone marrow biopsy, RA, no cortisol, divorce…just all the things.
I even break down and buy cereal for dinner. I haven’t in a long while. Using it as my litmus test as to have far down I am. No cereal means I am at least not ALL the all the way down. But not today. I log on to FB to distract myself even more than the TV alone. Immediately I see the Momentum Live worship for prayer night. Dustin is singing Beautiful. 😭😭😭 I can’t make this stuff up…Only my Heavenly Father can do that. Only my El Roi would do that. Remind me at this very moment that I can be covered head to toe in all the dirty things, but to Him, I am beautiful.
That was last year. I wrote that just before my car accident (which will be a while another post! 😉)
Last year was hard but oh my goodness how well the Lord has loved me through it all.
Nothing, after I wrote that journal entry last year, suddenly or miraculously went away or got better. I’m still waiting for my healing. So many times throughout this year I discovered I had jumped back into the swampy ditches. A few times I feel like I just managed to climb out and somebody snuck up behind me and shoved me back in. But through it all, My Elohim, my Addonai has consistently and continually reminded me that He only sees me, His beautifully broken beloved.
There’s so many things about this journey that I wish weren’t so, but I wouldn’t give up knowing, as in knowing, to the depths of my soul, that my Savior calls me His beautiful beloved as I stand before Him covered with all the dirty things.
My sweet precious little Mabel Bernice absolutely loves mud puddles. She’s certainly teaching me that sometimes we just need to enjoy where we are and not get so upset about where we aren’t.