** I wrote this post on October 27th. There’s been somethings that stalled the sharing but not the decision. It’s been confirmed daily, most days, hourly. I REALLY like to hold on 😉 **
This morning I made a decision. One I’ve seen, known, avoided, and refused to make direct eye contact with. One I’ve been through all the emotions over: anger, frustration, irritation, avoidance, sadness, grief, relief, peace, a little giddiness and excited anxiousness, again and again. I’m a “hold on and never let go” type of person. Letting go of something I love is not something my soul does.
But sometimes letting go is vital and necessary. Growing up I was afraid of things, of life, of people, the unknown and especially of change. Doing anything outside what I thought I had control over or being pushed out of my comfort zone wasn’t happening. I absolutely loved the idea of swinging from the rope that hung from a tree over the Mulberry River. I thought of climbing the tree, scooting out on the limb to grab the rope, pushing off, swinging high and splashing down. I could even gather all my courage to do all the climbing, scooting and grabbing, dig deeper and find some more courage to push off, but I was the one who just wouldn’t let go of the rope. More than once I swung back and hit the tree. Bless.
Y’all it’s time for me to let go of the rope. It’s time to splash in and swing my arms wide to what is next. The Lord has been calling me for quite some time to dive into what He has for me, trusting Him for what I cannot clearly see. Writing, Mad Acres, Monarch 61 are the things I have prayed fervently for years. Things I think I thought would miraculously just happen one day, all the while knowing, they would require a sacrifice on my part to receive, to see them come to life. When the Lord woke me in the middle of the night a year or more ago I shared the vision with my spiritual mentor. When I saw her a few days later she asked me when I was going to step away from Stirred so I could devote some uninterrupted time to writing. I haven’t done that. I’ve thought about it, wanted to do it, and logically and emotionally I know if I want to write, I have to do it, but I never made the space in my life to actually do it, and instead I created all kinds of reasons why I couldn’t. That’s a scary letting go.
Letting go of Stirred is absurdly difficult. Not only has it been my dream, but also my safe haven, my healing place, likely the place I met a lot of you. I have learned, through the work and life of co-owning Stirred, that I can do more than I ever dreamed possible, physically, emotionally and mentally. When my life completely fell apart the Lord used Stirred and so many of you to hold all the pieces. I’m not only letting go of my coffee shop dream, but my place of safety. I climbed the tree, scooted out, I pushed off with all my strength and every ounce of courage I could find, but I haven’t been willing to let go of the rope. This morning I realized with clarity, there isn’t any safety and security in the rope. It’s just a matter of time until hanging on takes all my energy. The courage I needed to push off isn’t needed if all I’m doing is dangling above the water. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the person who swings back, hits the tree a few times before dangling over the water, the momentum, courage, excitement, wasted and used up. I want to use all my courage and energy letting go and making a gigantic splash into whatever the Lord has for me next!
November 13th will be our last day to have Stirred open. I have no idea what things look like between here and there, or in the days after. I think I’ll rest a bit, write a lot, and continually say “yes Lord, here am I, let’s make a big o splash together!”