I Have Been … I AM

Facebook memories today. Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary. The divorce was final 3 days before our 22nd. Two years after writing this post ::

ON THIS DAY 7 years ago :: 20 years ago today we said “I do”. 20 years spent with a man that is amazing, dedicated, loving, kind, generous, fun, full of integrity, strong, supportive, wise, and loves Jesus. I cannot imagine life without David. I am so incredibly thankful for him and for our life together. Looking back over the years, at all the things, the joy, laughter, frustrations, trials, grief, love, friendship, and everything in between, I can say I would absolutely do it all over again, with him. He makes this world and all its craziness make sense.

Grateful for this past 20 and looking forward to all the many years to come.

I sometimes wonder if I would tell the woman who wrote this that her life was not at all as it seemed? Would I warn her that destruction was, in the very moment of writing that post, wreaking its havoc upon her life and her marriage? I wonder if she would believe me? Today I think I would want to whisper gently and kindly to her, to tell her most importantly to be cautious, to tread lightly so that she doesn’t find herself freezing up with spiritual pride. I would encourage her not to confuse loving the Lord, trusting His provision and communion with the Holy Spirit to mean everything will work out all “right”. Right, of course, being her idea of the way things should be.

I imagine she would laugh at me, not in an unkind way, but in the “you have no idea what you are talking about” way. That woman has not yet experienced all the sorrow, grief and brokenness that floods in when dark things are brought to light, when loved ones swing wide the door that allows the enemy to destroy treasured things. Though she has experienced enough sorrow, grief and loss, that she believes she is a seasoned, well founded, spiritual woman, and truthfully, she is. Though, as her world begins to shake around her, she clings to what she has known, what she has learned and who El Shaddai HAD been for her, wanting to cling to the comfort and the idea of safety of what she knows, what she has already figured out, she wants to curl up and stay put. Yet, her Abba Father is saying, this is not your safe place, I am your safety, I am your provision, I am your security, I am your grace, I am your healing, I am your peace, I am your breath and I am your forgiveness, come, follow me. I AM, do not stop with who I have been. Knowing what the Lord has done is a beautiful and powerful thing, participating in what the Lord IS doing is glorious, soul freeing, being in the presence of the I AM is healing and eternal.

I also imagine she would say, “of course, of course” {because we still have an annoying habit of stating things twice} if I told her, after years of living this new life that she would be fine, she would be content, she would see the days that she laughs more than she cries, but most importantly, she would discover that forgiveness, healing, love and peace live at the very core of who she is. That because of that core, she can read what she wrote about her ex-husband on her 27th nonaversiary and deep within her soul feel all the goodness and mercy and love and blessings for him and the new life he lives because of daily Communion with the Holy Spirit. And only because what the Lord has done and because He is, I AM. I imagine she would quickly and confidently claim “well yeah, obviously”, because she trust the Lord, but I know that inside she doubts, she wonders and she questions. Honestly, she couldn’t even begin to envision her life taking such a painful journey, even if I could tell her, she wouldn’t understand, neither could she truly imagine or understand what goodness, mercy, healing, forgiveness feels like when it lives at your core because of being in the presence of I AM on her journey.

She learns though. She learns it brand new every single day.

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